umm yeah

Alright this going to be kind of persoanl and probably just sappy and all that so if you have anything negative to say i just realy don't wanna fucking hear it. Post something yelling at me anywhere but here and i'm cool though in fact i encourage it.

I lost my father a few years back we had a realy rocky relationship to say the least. Things weren't that great between us but when he got sick i was there for him the only way i knew i could and helped to take care of him for the last month of his life, and was there to see him take his last breathe. I went into this tunnel vision thing were nothing around me was realy real and i have to say that i truly look at my wife and say thank you for giving me the space to try and deal as well as for not leaving me because many people would have the way i dealt with it. I never realy told her thank you for that and i probably should she can be and usualy is a pain in the butt. But i owe her alot and love her more then she know's.

Now today i got a scare my Dad the man who raised me into the man and person i am today got sick i got a call and well let's just say thng's weren't great. Even at 30 i am not ready to lose a second man in my life it was beyond me to loose the first and i can not and will not cope well with a second. Now i would have to put the face on for the rest of my family and my boy's but that only last's so long. I've seen alot and been through alot in my years here on this earth and well realy i'm just ready for a break. I want to go through a striaght let's say 5 years without a cancer, or a death my heart just can't take any more. Anyone who know's my dad know's that he's the type of guy who would lay down in the street for his family. Again like my last post we don't see eye to eye all the time but he's someone i have the utmost love and respect for. And while he can still throw my stomach into a tissy at times i love him dearly. We've become much closer actualy since he moved away lol we talk more as adults and as friends then we ever did before and i'm just not ready to not call him 2 or 3 times a day to ask how he is or how to or how not to do something and hear about my punctuation or lack there of on myspace. (yeah i'm trying) Alot of you know my dad and have seen the ups and downs but also know what i am saying is true love him or hate him no one will say he isn't the guy who made me who i am and didn't take care of me and mine and respect him if for nothing else then that. I geuss at times i have to play the strong one and sitting here tonight i feal pretty weak and am not ready to be the rock again. I will if i have to but i realy don't want to i'm just not ready to say good bye to one of my best friends and my dad not now not yet.

I know that this post is about 180 from what i usualy do but tonight i just kinda needed to vent and let some thing's out before i face the day tomorow. And no matter what happens then i'll be ready to do what i have to do but for tonight i'm just going to take a moment to myself and say i love yah man. And damn it you better be alright.